A couple of weeks ago, I wrote “Transgender Veterans articles and navigating the VA system,” about the two wonderful articles written by Carol Ann Alaimo of the Arizona Daily Star and my attempt to find a person in the VA to speak with about our issues. The article appeared on two blogs, The Bilerico Project, and Trans Universe. It seems our efforts to speak with someone of authority paid off. On Friday, March 6, Angela Brightfeather and I spoke with a female doctor in a high position in the VA. I will not reveal her name or title at this time, nor will I provide any specifics of what she said, because this is an ongoing process.

Angela and I prepared to ask certain question, but as many of you may know, it doesn’t always work as planned. When we connected with the doctor, she had brought in another doctor to speak with us. We quickly discovered that both women had extensive experiences with transgender people in their days working in the field for the VA. They actually volunteered to be the first ones in the VA to speak with us.

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One of the first issues we talked about had to do with the discrimination transgender veterans get when trying to receive basic services and the disrespect they get when they do receive services. Our request was to have the VA send out a directive/letter to the VA administrators, informing them that they cannot turn away qualified transgender veterans and that they should receive the same respect as other veterans.

The doctors pointed out that even with a letter being sent out, without the proper training, the disrespect could continue. We understood this, but pointed out that if a letter existed, then our people could take a copy of it to the Patient Advocate in the facility and use it to give their complaint more clout. The doctor saw that our idea could help and stated that she would have the appropriate department contact us on the content of the letter.

We briefly brought up that in some cases, the VA refused to change a transgender veteran’s documentation, even after a legal name and gender change. The doctor stated that this practice is not only wrong, but legally wrong. The same department who will be able to help us on the discrimination issue will also be able to address this one.

The doctor stated that she would be attending various Patient Advocate training sessions and she plans on training them on our issues. TAVA will be assisting them when possible. We informed her that she can also get help in training from the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) and the International Foundation for Gender Education (IFGE.) What it appears they will need is the basic Transgender 101 training, something we have all done many times. Both NCTE and IFGE now have wonderful knowledge on our veterans’ issues.

Then the conversation turned to the policies that for so long have hindered transgender veterans from receiving the medically necessary treatment for their situation. Angela and I discovered that even though these are policies and not laws, the ability to change them will be a long and tedious process that could take years. After hearing how the process will work, I came to the conclusion that passing a fully inclusive ENDA will be far easier then wading through the massive bureaucracy of the VA system.

TAVA may soon come away with a small win in this long struggle for equality for our transgender veterans if we get the letter we are looking for. The bigger win will be a process that only has few people willing to spend any time in resolving the problems, compared to millions who will be pushing for hate crimes and ENDA. Our organization has very little money to work on this and even less time to spend on it. No full-time lobbyist works for TAVA. No fundraising events or huge gala dinners loom in our future. All we have is the basics and grassroots activism. This maybe enough, but we could use some serious help in moving this process along, seeing how we are now inside the door. Sadly, there are too many deaf ears out there that this plea will fall on. We will keep everyone informed on our progress. It would be nice if this first step has given some of our veterans a glimmer of hope. It has me.

For 22 years, the International Foundation for Gender Education (IFGE) has held a yearly conference for transgender people, its allies and the people who treat and help us. The community has come to see the IFGE Conference as a great place to get information on medical issues, political issues, spouse and children’s issues, and presentation issues. People from all over the world gather to share ideas and to network with others in the trans community. The Trinity and Virginia Prince Awards have been given out at these conferences.

For ten of the last 22 years, IFGE has enlisted the assistance of a company known as Trans Events to facilitate the conferences. As time went on, this turned out to not be a very good idea. Trans Events management ruled the conference with an iron fist, causing problems with IFGE’s reputation within the community. Any of the local people who decided to volunteer quickly discovered that the Trans Event management would order them around like personal servants.

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As time went on, the Trans Events management began to strong-arm the IFGE board so they would hold the conference in Philadelphia most of the time, a convenience for Trans Events. Since IFGE has members all over the world, they wanted to have the conference in various cities within the US. Most of the members are Americans. IFGE felt a need to have the conference in places that would make it convenient to different parts of the country during different years. Having the conference in Philadelphia two years out of three did not make it easy for many of the West Coast members.

The other problem IFGE encountered happened to be the hotel Trans Events picked in Philadelphia. This hotel is located a long distance from anything in the city. To get to the historical sites, shopping or restaurants, a person had to take an expensive taxi ride or drive. Being stuck in the hotel did not sit well with the attendees, or the IFGE board.

Stories came out of the conferences from the volunteers that the Trans Events management acted like a task master who penny-pinched every expense so they could make the most profit from the conference, but did not want to help the conference run smoother. At the Tucson Conference in 2008, I asked for a simple item, a wireless mic for the Trinity Awards, but the Trans Events management acted too stingy with the money to ask the hotel to provide us one. They had a horribly harsh attitude that made some of the volunteers cry and angered many attendees. The people in Tucson told IFGE that they didn’t want them to come back as long as Trans Events ran the show.

When it came time for planning the 2009 IFGE Conference, Trans Events had everything set up to return to Philadelphia, but IFGE wanted more variety. The board decided to hold the conference in Washington, DC, to correspond with Lobby Days in April. However, Trans Events threw a monkey wrench in the plans, booking a hotel for the first week in February and telling the board that was all they could get.

The board decided that because of what the people in Tucson told them and all the other things that they had heard and seen over the years, they terminated the contract with Trans Events to run the show themselves. However, they were stuck with the expensive DC hotel in the middle of winter.

Recently, IFGE discovered that Trans Events is indeed putting on a conference at the end of April, in Philadelphia. On the surface, this doesn’t appear to be a bad thing. The more conferences, the better. However, the problem happens to be with what Trans Events did in promoting their event.

Trans Events is promoting this as if they still had a connection with IFGE. They have not indicated that their event is an entirely new conference that has nothing to do with IFGE. In their promotional material, they say they are “back in Philadelphia,” and use photos and promotional items from past IFGE conferences, including the IFGE logo, on their web site. On top of that, they are using IFGE’s mailing list to promote this conference, not telling anyone the entire truth. One doctor signed up for this conference thinking it was for IFGE and became very angry when he found out it wasn’t.

I am highly suspicious on the reason Trans Events negotiated a DC hotel in the wintertime. They stated it was more expensive in April and that they couldn’t find anything. They wanted IFGE to go back to Philadelphia and when they said no, it’s my feeling their management screwed over IFGE so they could still have their Philadelphia conference in April anyway.

There are plenty of open weekends on the calendar to accommodate more trans conferences. However, what Trans Events is doing to promote their event, giving the impression of another IFGE conference, using IFGE’s mailing list and deceiving people in the promotions, is not the right way to go about it. I would hope that people will go to the real IFGE Conference from February 4 to 8, and avoid the Trans Events Conference in April. Don’t be fooled.

Angela has been an activist for the transgender community is some form or another for the last 42 years. Some of our community’s activists weren’t even born then. She has been on the board of NTAC, It’s Time, North Carolina and the several other organizations too numberous to mention. Currently, she serves as the Vice President of the Transgender American Veterans Association (TAVA) and is one of its Co-Founders. Also, Angela is one of my closest friends.

It was my great privilege to attend the recent hearings held in Washington, DC this week on Transgender Unemployment, as the representative from the Transgender American Veterans Association, TAVA. My thoughts are fresh from the hearing and my sense of having to be there to witness an historic moment in our community was more than justified.

I pleasure myself sometimes in thinking that I am a person of vision. Only those who have been active in the Transgender Community for a few years may understand it. In my fondest visions of the past concerning our community, I would have to be the Transgender reincarnation of Nostradamus to have been able to predict our community giving testimony at a Congressional Hearing about Trans Unemployment problems. We all know that this is at the heart of so many of our long list of problems.

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Well, that would be a lie. There are many that made this hearing possible and some have passed on, like Christine Jorgenson, and many others, but many are still in this fight to the end. Many of those people had visions also for our community and still do. These hearings are confirmation of many of those visions that hard, hard time and sacrifices made possible. There are the heroic efforts of those who work in DC and take the flack from this community, but still manage to hang in there and do a great job. They are equal to or better than many organizations who have been around much longer and have done this by being among those people and working with those groups and with their assistance.

Groups like NGLTF, United ENDA, ACLU, the DNC, IFGE, AVER, SLDN and TAVA are changing our lives and from what I witnessed this Thursday. We need to support them in every way that we can. Sorry, I’m leaving out the fine work that HRC did in helping and advising on getting this hearing. But, Joe Solmonese’s apology for “misspeaking” to a small and closed gathering of Transgender people in Atlanta is not the same as apologizing to our community.

This hearing is remarkable to me, because it means that there are people in high places, in places that we never thought they would be, finally ready to listen to our Transgender children and their parents in PFLAG, our Transgender Veterans in TAVA. They are reading our emails and letters about ENDA. This hearing is not our coming out to them, but it is they who are coming out to us and asking us to show them where it hurts and why it does, to be a Transgender person in America. Certainly an event worthy of all Transgender people in America helps us sympathize with how Michelle Obama felt when she said “this is the first time in my adult life I have felt proud to be an American.” Yes, Ms. Obama, I understand.

As my friend Pamela in Charlotte might say, some of us survivors have to pinch ourselves from time to time so that we know that we are not just dreaming about events that have been occurring over the past five years. It is truly a testament to those survivors who have fought for so many years and to the many younger activists who have taken up the cause of Trans Equality and been doing such a professional and outstanding job.

We all step up on the shoulders of those before us and so many names come to mind. From the past to the present, I have nothing but respect and admiration for their sacrifices and hard work. From the hundreds of support groups that meet across the country in every city and town on every Saturday night, to those who lobby and work hard in DC, we are all working for that person we don’t yet know in the closet that has not been able to live and be who they are without fear.

Other perspectives about the hearing that you may read will, I think, be different than mine, but they revolve around the same theme of “community.” This is a word that has finally reached a maturity and recognition that even the Congress of the United States is willing to work with and understand.

My perspectives have been dragged through the hearts and souls of hundreds of support group meetings and thousands of Transgender friends I have known over many years. The reality of this hearing, in part, is the culmination of a long journey and the promise of a better future for our children, our families and us.

Now the trip.

After suffering for a few days earlier in the week with a case of food poisoning, the day before the hearing left me spent and dehydrated, but finally free of my own personal rest room issues and the determination that the four hour trip North from Raleigh to DC had to be made.

I usually stay at the Red Roof Inn in Alexandria when going to DC because I have to blanch at paying $250.00/night for a room inside the beltline. Wednesday evening I arrived without a problem and tried to sleep. It was one of those restless nights that I did not need. You just know that tomorrow is going to be special, like Christmas.

Waking and getting ready, I didn’t even stop for coffee in the lobby and headed straight for the Capital with my little map on the passenger seat to guide me. I drove into town and found a place to park within a few miles from the Rayburn Building where the hearing was to be held in room 2175. I have lobbied in the halls of this building many times before, but this time it was really a different feeling of anticipation.

After going through the scanning and security, I was stopped due to some of the jewelry I was wearing (a TAVA badge) and the officers, who were right on cue with the “stand here please mam” and their getting a female officer to pat me down acted like they were very thoroughly trained in Transgender 101 before I got there. I had to laugh a little inside, thinking about being patted down by a female officer in the Rayburn Building and all the times in years past when I was fearful of just such a thing happening, but in the neighborhood police station. Those sure were the good old days.

Approaching the hearing room, people were lined up outside in the hallway waiting for the doors to open. Standing against the wall at least 70 people had assembled and were all talking nervously and exchanging business cards. Then I noticed some familiar faces like Donna Cartwright, Mara Keisling, Shannon Minter, Sabrina Marcus, Lisa Mottet and others pop out of the crowd with warm smiles and excited hugs.

I was surprised to meet others there who had traveled from Phoenix, San Diego, New York, Kansas, Ohio, and many other places who also felt the need to be there to witness an important moment for our community. I also met supporters from HRC and NGLTF and other organizations like the ACLU who sensed this as a special moment in time and had to be present. They are had some part in the planning of this hearing.

After a short while, a very dictatorial young lady came out into the hall, announced that she would only allow 45 people inside the hearing room because that is all the room she had and that she was handing out passes so we all had to line up against the wall. Those who did not get a pass could go to the hearing room one floor above and watch the hearing from there on their closed circuit screens.

I felt very safe in my position and being able to get a ticket and had even prearranged with Mara to have a “seat sitter” in the hearing room save me a chair. Mara asked me that since I had a ticket, would I mind giving up the seat that was being held for me. Not a problem. But now there was a quiet reshuffling going on and I noticed a rather large contingent of HRC folks begin to move to the front of the line

Standing next to me was a gentleman who I had met from HRC who had worked with Donna Rose and Jamison Green when they had worked for HRC in their corporation and employment area and we had discussed his work. He is not a “policy person”. I turned to him and quietly told him that if he did not go and tell his co-workers to get back in line or give their tickets to Transgender people waiting in line, I would immediately start my own version of an anti HRC protest on the spot, right there, right now. Noting that if anyone deserved the right to sit in that hearing room it should be Transgender people.

He looked at me and smiled until someone next to me told him “Oh, she is serious and she will do it”. He went to talk to them and came back and told me that they would be watching the hearing from upstairs in the other room. I breathed a small sigh of relief, knowing that I would not have to make my point further, but also happy that they understood my concerns.

The doors opened and in we went. 30’ ceilings, oak everywhere, curtains over the windows and three rows of bleacher type oak desks side by side from one side of the room to the other, where Congress persons could look down at the table in the center of the room, casting their eyes down to the long table on the floor level where the witnesses sat.

After some milling around and shaking hands, the Congress people took their seats on both sides of the Committee Chairman, Congressman Rob Andrews, a proud graduate of the Cornell Law School, close to my old home town and a place that I went to at least once a year to give a class on us, convened the hearing. I immediately wondered and hoped that he was in one of those classes.

The rules of the hearing were laid down by the Congressman as to length of time for each witness to speak and testify and we were of to the races with a statement made by the Chair that could only be described as eloquent, relevant, persuasive, accurate, forceful and committed to a fair presentation, remembering that cause by law had to be proven, but that also the recent ENDA law and all the fuss and bother out there that the non-inclusive version generated from the GLBT community, helped to lay a groundwork for the need for this hearing. Well, in so many words at least.

Of the seven chairs at the table, only two were occupied. One seat was filled by Congressman Barney Frank and the other by Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin. The testimony began with Ms. Baldwin and my account and views of the testimony are as follows, I trust that you all will listen, or have listened to it yourself:

Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin of Minnesota was first to speak. When reading from a script, she was less effective but still meaningful. When telling the story about being an attorney and representing a Transperson who was fired from their job when announcing her gender to her employer, Tammy Baldwin speaks the best. When talking from her heart, she is the most effective and she needs no script to get the message across. If I had any complaint at all about her testimony, it was in her references to “being trapped in the wrong body”. This one statement advances us immediately into the areas of doubting if she doesn’t need some further training about the diversity of the Transgender Community.

Video clips from the Hearing here.

Audio of the entire Hearing here.

Part 2 Our older “buddy” statesman, Congressman Barney Frank.

]]> http://www.monicahelms.com/blog/tava/congress-comes-out-to-the-transgender-community-part-1.htm/feed 0 http://www.monicahelms.com/blog/love/is-she-the-one.htm http://www.monicahelms.com/blog/love/is-she-the-one.htm#comments Tue, 20 May 2008 12:45:39 +0000 Monica Helms http://www.monicahelms.com/blog/?p=125  

As I start typing this piece, the movie “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” is on Sci-Fi, in preparation for the upcoming new, “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.”  I bring this up because the search for love, that one true love, is as much of a crusade as searching for the Holy Grail, and in some cases, more rare.  I may have found the “Holy Grail” of my life.  I may have found my one true love.

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I say “may,” because there are still too many unknowns and hurdles in this new relationship that we cannot be certain of.  Life is full of twists and turns, ups and downs and any one of them could end our relationship in a heartbeat.  For now, we move forward.

Karen and I met at the Tucson IFGE Conference on a Wednesday when the hotel was providing snacks and finger foods for the attendees that night in the bar.  I saw her walk into with her friends and was instantly drawn to her beauty.  But, I suspected that someone as good looking as her already had a special person in her life.

As the evening progresses, I went to get some food, but when I got to the table, the main dishes were gone and they were bringing out more.  I waited patiently for them to bring out the food and as I did, Karen walked up, so we struck up a conversation.  I found out she lived in Austin, Texas.

Shortly into the conversation, she made an interesting comment that still makes us both laugh today.  She said, “I identify as a lesbian.”  Now, I hadn’t even traveled down that road of conversation, so I found the comment rather perplexing, to say the least.

“So do I.”  I smiled.  “My friends and I plan on going to a lesbian night club at ten.  Would you care to go?”

“I’d love to.”

Thus started a journey on a trip that culminated into one of the most fantastic conferences I have ever experienced.  We spent as much time together at the conference as was possible.  We had dinner together, danced together, stared at the stars in the crystal clear desert night, and we felt the joys of passion together.  It was magical.

But, as we all know, the awe of magic soon fades and reality takes its place.  We both didn’t want the only reality for us to be those three days in Tucson, so we stayed in touch.  One of the ways we communicated was through the modern technology of web cams.  Not only could we talk, but we could see each other.  We laughed, we cried and we played our favorite music for each other.  To see each other in such a fashion helped to maintain the spark we felt at the conference.

It quickly became obvious that we had to get together once again, so the plan was for her to fly to Atlanta for a three-day weekend.  It was to take place six weeks from the time we first met in Tucson.  The wait was excruciating.  We counted down the days.

What would we find on this next weekend?  Would we see that the time we spent in Tucson was nothing more than two ships passing in the night?  Or, could we at least capture what we had six weeks earlier?  Fear filled my heart.  I wanted to see her once again.  I wanted to hold her once again.  I wanted to kiss her once again.

The day came and I picked her up at the airport.  My heart soared when I give her a hug and a kiss, right on the curb of the terminal.  It was only the beginning of what would turn out to be the most amazing weekend in my life.  She felt the same way when it was all over.

What is this new and outstanding feeling I’m experiencing here?  I have had other girlfriends in the past and had a great time with them.  What makes Karen so different?  I have felt love many times in my life, but why is it so intense with Karen?  Am I finally getting the chance to experience what REAL LOVE is?  If so, I don’t want it to stop.

Karen and I connected in ways that the English language still hasn’t created the words to adequately describe how we feel about each other.  We touched each other’s souls so deeply that our hearts beat in harmony.  Just a light touch to the arms or the face redefines the word “sensuality.”  Her kiss sends shivers down my spine and through my whole body.  All of our senses intensify with every movement our bodies touch.  Songs are written about finding heaven on earth.  I now know that it is possible.

I truly love Karen and I cannot stop saying that.  But, reality keeps us from enjoying a full life together.  Both of us have good jobs and many responsibilities in the cities where we live.  Our roots run deep in the Georgia red clay and the brown soil of the Texas plains.  We do not see any possible way to snap those roots . . . at least for now.  One never knows what other things can change our fortunes in the future.

For now, we have resigned ourselves to seeing each others whenever we can, based on finances and time off.  Long distance relationships are not known to work out, but I have heard exceptions to that.  We are both hoping that Time will show us the way to a happy life together.  Yet, Time can also show us the futility of our love.  “Love conquers all,” the saying goes.  Will time and distance trump love?  Not if we have anything to say about it.

We will work in fighting to keep our love strong.  In the meantime, Karen and I will see each other on the 4^th of July weekend and on other weekends in the future.  Let’s hope that love can truly conquer all.  I asked in the title if Karen is “The One.”  After all the times I had my heart broken, its time I found The One, and I see Karen as that person.

I love you, Karen.

Going back to Arizona has always been one of adventure and pain for me. I lived there most of my life, graduating high school there, I joined the Navy from there, I was married there, my two sons were born there, I was divorced there, I started my life as Monica there, and my father is buried there. All of my family, with the exception of my oldest son lives in Arizona. To say that Arizona holds an important place in my life would be like saying that air is important in my life. I can’t quit Arizona.

Most of the time when I go back to visit family in Arizona, it is near the end of the year, for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. This time, I was able to visit in March and April, when the temperatures were in the 80s and 90s. That’s tank top weather! I love being a girl.

Early in my trip, I got the chance to spend a little time with Serena Freewomyn, a writer for the popular blog, The Bilerico Project. I was always impressed with Serena’s viewpoint and her writing style. The Friday we got together was a fun evening. She brought two of her friends with her and they were a blast.

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The most interesting part of the trip to Arizona started on Wednesday when I arrived at the Double Tree Hotel in Tucson. I actually got to go swimming at the hotel pool. No one could tell I was a pre-op in the suit I wore, and it didn’t even have one of those cute little skirts. (As I said, I love being a girl.) But, that was nothing compared to what Fate had in stored for me later that evening.

At the evening get together, I got to see some of my old friends and I met people who I knew of and communicated with but never met in the past. Marti Abernathey was one of them. We had a little joke going that when we would meet, we would arm wrestle. As she stated in her recent article, she won. Should a woman brag about that? I wonder . . .

The “Fate” moment happened when I was at the food table waiting for them to bring out another tray of finger foods. A beautiful trans woman came up and we started up a conversation. Her name is Karen and she lives in Austin, TX. I’m not going to elaborate on what took place over the next four days, but I will say that we both cried when we had to kiss good-bye that Saturday evening after everything was over. Love is a two-headed coin that can draw out the extremes in emotions at both ends. It did for me that weekend. Atlanta and Austin are about 1000 miles apart, but we will see each other again. After all, she touched my soul in ways only a few have ever done. I really, really love being a girl.

As I mentioned in a previous blog posting, my two sons came to the IFGE Conference to participate in a workshop called, “Children of Transgender Parents.” One may not understand the extreme emotions I felt in this situation. My sons were okay with me being in the room during this workshop, so I took pictures and audio recorded it. I’m glad I did.

During the course of the workshop, both of my sons said things that I found important. I don’t want to take away from what the two women who were also on the panel said. They had very good advice and compelling stories. It is just that I’m focusing on what my sons said.

It is important to note that when my youngest son, Bryan, gave his story, he broke down and cried. As you can guess, so did I. I later realized that all these years, Bryan never had the chance to talk about his pent up feelings during those times and this panel became the first time in over a decade that he got the chance to tell how he felt to someone else. I think it helped both of my sons and me when he did.

Here are some of the things Robert, my oldest said. He’ll be 26 in early June: “Hard to explain what was going on at home at school. You kinda don’t want to talk about it.”

“In the service I couldn’t tell anyone. We now have a good relationship because we have a lot in common. We now have a better relationship than I see other people do.”

“The easiest thing for me was she told me really early in life. The best advice I can give is to tell your kids, let them know how you feel and tell them early on. She never really forced it on us.”

“The one thing I remember I first saw her fully dressed was when she came over to the house because she hadn’t seen us for a long time. I remember thinking, ‘you wear too much makeup’.”

Here are some of the things Bryan said. He will be 24 in early June: “He sat us down on the couch and told us he was leaving. It was really hard. Extremely hard.” (This is where Bryan, then I started crying.) “I told my dad that he was always going to be my dad. I now see her as a person.”

“She doesn’t force anything on me. It was weird at first. Really weird.”

“He’s still my dad and he doesn’t treat me any different other than my dad.”

Bryan was also asked about how he felt this will affect is son in the future and both he and Robert said that it will probably not be such a big deal when Xavier starts school, or when Robert has children and they start school.

As you can see, Robert was rock solid on the pronouns and Bryan went back and forth. I think it is because Bryan and I don’t interact as much as Robert and I do. I have a feeling that is about to change.

One person attending the workshop observed that even though Robert and Bryan grew up seeing the same things with my transition, they both reacted differently and saw things differently. Their individuality has a lot to do with that.

After the panel was over, people came up to all four of the panel members and told them how much their stories helped them. From the very first moment I approached my two sons on being on this workshop, I knew what the potential of help their stories could have. To see that they did indeed help some people that day makes me so proud of them. Robert says he is now planning on getting involved in Southern California, knowing that he could help others.

If you would have asked me five years ago if my two sons would ever talk on a panel at a trans conference, I would have said you were crazy. Now, I encourage other LGBT people who are close to their children to see if they would help in the same way. We have PFLAG showing how our parents and straight friends love us, and now COLAGE to show how much our children love us. It’s an approach that will ultimately help us win our equality.

I cannot ignore the comments that my friend, Cheryl Ann Costa said at her Trinity acceptance speech. Marti Abernathey in her Bilerico Project article covered what Costa said. As Marti stated, we were all surprised at the archaic thoughts Cheryl brought out in her speech. As the MC for that event, I really didn’t know how to follow that up.

However, I do recall having a Star Trek moment when Costa said that the trans men need to put on suits and join the Rotary Club and the trans women should break away from the crossdressers and have their own conference. This is what crossed my mind: “We are Borg. We will assimilate your uniqueness into our collective. Resistance is futile.” In my opinion, “resistance” IS what being transgender is all about. Sorry, Cheryl.

I have to say that this IFGE was the best trans-specific conference I have ever attended. My two sons being there and meeting Karen helped. But, others who have attended many more conferences then I have said the same thing. I want to thank Erin Russ, Michael Woodward and all the people of the Southern Arizona Gender Alliance and Wingspan for helping make this a most memorable conference. As a board member of IFGE, I hope I can convince the rest of the board in making Tucson our “western home” for some of our future conferences. I’m sure it won’t take much of a convincing.

When you first hold a brand new life in your hands, whether you are the father or the mother, your mind races on how they will turn out as adults. You could be holding a future President of the United States, or the next Ted Bundy. You never know what Fate has in store for your child, but you know part of their future is shaped by what you will do, or don’t do in the next 18 years . . . and beyond.

My two sons were born almost exactly 2 years apart and will be 26 and 24 in early June. Robert is the oldest and Bryan is the youngest. Bryan was born on my mother’s birthday and since the age of five he and her would go out to lunch or dinner to celebrate their birthdays together. Bryan never forgets.

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(The Photo, left to right: Olivia [Robert's Fiancée,] Robert, Donna [my ex,] Bryan, Hilda [Bryan's wife, in the back,] Xavier [my grandson,] and me.)

Over the years, my ex and I did the best we could to raise Robert and Bryan, giving them as much freedom to do things so they could learn adult responsibilities. They rode the city bus by themselves to the mall at age ten and had a savings account at age twelve, learning to deposit and withdraw money on their own. At age 16, they worked in stores on commission and did a great job.

We also emphasized the importance of accepting all people, regardless of any differences. This was evident when they brought over friends of all races and colors to play at our house. Today, Bryan is married to a Hispanic woman and Robert is engaged to one. Both my ex and I really adore those two daughter-in-laws of ours.

As we all know, and many have experienced, transitioning for a transsexual can cause a lot of problems for their children. I’m sure that coming out as being a gay, lesbian or bisexual person can also cause problems with any children you may have. The only difference is the child doesn’t see their parent change appearance in a short period of time. When I started living as Monica in June of 1997, Robert and Bryan had many issues with it.

Robert told me he was harassed by friends at school and his response to them was that they were no longer his friends. He went through many other problems in high school, but his female cousin helped him get through those tough times. At age 20, he joined the Marines and since I served in the Navy, it created an instant bond between the two of us. To this day, we are very close.

Bryan appeared to be okay with my transition, not feeling uncomfortable being seen with me in public. I remember one Saturday we were in Home Depot getting supplies for large lizard enclosure he wanted me to help him build. I stood in the long paint line to get a specific color, while he and his friend rushed around the store finding parts we would need.

When Bryan found some hinges for the enclosure, he came up to me and said, “Dad, dad. I think these will work.”

“Sure, Bryan. I think they will, too.” Then, I looked around and other shoppers were staring at me. “Ah, Bryan. Maybe while we are out in public, you can call me ‘Monica’?”

“No Problem.”

Bryan and Robert came through those early years a lot less scathed then others I have heard of. And, in spite of the courage they have shown over the years, they will be stepping it up a notch in a couple of weeks when they attend the International Foundation of Gender Education’s yearly conference in Tucson, April 2nd to the 5th. Not only will they be attending one of the premier transgender conferences in the country, but they will be giving a workshop with Monica Canfield-Lenfest, a member of Children of Lesbian and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE.) Her father also transitioned as an MtF transsexual. The workshop is titled, “Children of Transgender Parents.”

“How do I feel?” you might ask. “Nervous” is one word that comes to mind. “Amazed” is truly one of my feelings. “Proud?” Absolutely. I told them to tell it like it was and not hold back on anything. Others need to hear what they went through in hopes it could help. Do I risk humiliation having that part of my transition exposed to the world? I don’t see that it will be an issue. The importance of showing others in our community that some children make it through okay and that they need to watch out for the pitfalls far out weighs any issues I could face from Robert and Bryan being there.

I love my two sons and they love me. What more could I ask for? I get to be with them at the IFGE conference and introduce them to my friends. I see that as a dream come true. I’ll write another piece after the conference on how it all turned out.