I’m sure blog readers have heard the phrase “Friends with Benefits” quite often, since they consist of some rather sophisticated people out there.  Whenever people hear “FWB,” it conjures up all kinds of lustful images in their minds, mostly about noncommittal sex with a good friend.  This phrase came in existence in about the late 80’s, early 90’s by the younger crowd, but it has worked its way to all generations.

This subject has come up on occasions with some of my friends and ex-girlfriends, discussing it at lengths, which made me feel the need to write about my feeling on this.  The Internet has plenty of pages on FWB, so I’m not breaking into new territory.  Of course, most of what you find on the Internet has been geared toward straight people, but the idea has become common in the LGBT community as well.

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Casual sex should not be entered into casually, especially with a friend.  The implications can end a friendship if the possibility of casual sex has not been discussed in detail beforehand.  Rules and boundaries need to be set in the beginning before the sheets are pulled back.  Yes, rules for FWB do exist.  Here’s what I have found on one web site.

1.)    Be clear about what you want. To make your friends with benefits experience a good one, know what you expect from the relationship. Take the time to really think about it. There is no one-size-fits-all formula. Having a basic understanding of your needs and being able to articulate those needs could help you save lot of drama in the end.

2.)    Choose your partner wisely. This is by far the trickiest and most important step. Being friends with benefits requires a delicate balance. Your partner should be someone who you enjoy spending time with and someone looking for the same things as you in a friends with benefits relationship.

3.)    Set the rules. Every friends with benefits relationship needs a clear set of boundaries. Sit down with your partner and decide what those rules will be. Make sure you are both satisfied with the choices.

4.)    Stick to the rules. It is easy to get sidetracked. Maybe you spend the night once or twice. Maybe you start to spend more time together than you should. Just remember that the rules should only be broken if you decide to change the nature of your relationship.

5.)    Get out before it gets too heavy. Friends with benefits relationships have a short shelf life. They tend to morph into something deeper for one or both partners. If your casual relationship starts to change, end it unless you are happy with the changes.

Interesting enough, it appears that the “Friends with Benefits” term seems to be associated with sex only.  I’m sure that the people who first started using it intended that to be the case, but why go that far?  Since two people set the rules and the boundaries of intimate encounters, then could FWB be something as simple as just holding hands?  Could you cuddle and kiss, but nothing beyond that?  I’m sure I’m not the only person who sees FWB as having very flexible boundaries.

One of my ex-girlfriends introduced me to a wonderful book called “The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities,” by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt.  Not only do they talk about friends with benefits in detail, but many other aspects of love, sex and relationships, casual or otherwise.  They even go into polyamory, bisexuality and transsexuality with some detail.  The book opened my eyes to the possibilities that FWB was not such a difficult concept to embrace, though the book had many other areas that didn’t appeal to me personally.

In some ways, FWB seems to be far more difficult and far more structured then a relationship can be.  Rules get laid out, boundaries need to be set, times to get together are discussed, and who to tell and who not to tell needs to be explored.  Maybe new relationships could benefit the same way by utilizing a bit more structure and a lot less haphazardness.  In my opinion, in a FWB situation, both people have to be far more in line with each other’s thoughts then a regular relationship has to be.  I see that relationships are flexible, but FWB is not.

Not everyone will be comfortable with FWB, even if they have no one currently in their lives.  People’s upbringing has a great deal of affect on whether they can embrace FWB or not.  Bad past experiences, family situations and physical embarrassment can be a factor.  Some trans people experience body dysphoria about having incorrect parts, so they shun many relationship possibilities.  An FWB situation could work for them, because a friend would be more understanding then someone new.  But, broaching the subject with their friend will be very tricky.

Past relationships can also be very tricky if one brings up the idea of FWB.  If the two of you had been intimate in the past, had a relationship and have broken up, but remained friends, one or both of you may not be inclined to even attempt intimacy with that other person once again.  The fear of falling in love and all the baggage that came with it in the first place weighs heavily on their minds.

This is where the different levels of FWB can be explored.  The fact that two people remained friends after a breakup shows that there had to have been some part of their relationship that neither one wanted to lose.  Why be afraid to explore how far that can go without tipping the scale to a full-blown relationship?  They may find that they liked everything about the relationship, except for the C-word, “commitment.”  Remove the burden of commitment and you may have a good time with each other once again.

But, human emotions are not always that simple.  Our minds get flooded with all of the “what-ifs,” and that can be very frightening.  I suggest they explore the little things, such as cuddling and kissing, and leave sex out of it, at least at first.  Easier said than done, which makes it more imperative to set ground rules ahead of time.

Friends with Benefits will forever remain in the American language for years to come.  It will be something for some people to try and something many others will not.  For those brave souls who wish to venture into this volatile territory, they need to be well prepared for the trip, like going to the Moon, but much more dangerous.  Make sure you pack all of your protective gear, and have fun.

“My Heart Will Go On” is the title song to the blockbuster movie “Titanic,” sung by Celine Dion. Today, the title is more profound than ever. Today, I have to tell myself, “My heart will go on.” It is what I have to hold onto.

If a person is to live a long enough life and never really find their one true love, then they will, no doubt, find many loves in their lives that give them a glimmer of hope. Others will find their true love at an early age and grow old and be happy the entire time, like our community’s heroes of Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon who, after more than 50 years, finally were allowed to get legally married in California.

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These days, a glimmer of hope is what I seem to be given, only to see it die out in an instant. But, my heart will go on. It has to. I call it the “Shark Syndrome.” Sharks have to constantly move through the water to stay alive, otherwise fresh water will not pass over their gills. They don’t have the mechanism to pull in water over their gills like fish do. Seems to work, since sharks are one of the oldest species to have lived in the sea. I have to keep my heart out there, constantly moving through the sea of women, or it too will die.

It can be hard for my gay brothers and sisters to find that right person to spend their lives with. The chances for trans people, straight or otherwise, are reduced even more. As a lesbian, just finding a woman who is okay with me being trans can be a challenge worthy of becoming a sequel to “National Treasure,” or “Indiana Jones.” Let’s see. How about, “Monica Helms and the Lost Amazon Tribe of Brazil?” Works for me. At least I got the fedora.

On the 23^rd of June, it will be my 11^th anniversary of living full-time as a woman, and 3 days later, it will be the 11^th anniversary of getting my name changed. In that time, I have had six very strong relationships with women, one lasting for nearly 4 years. The others were from a few weeks to five months. The recent one didn’t fair much better. Each has taught me more about myself and more about being in love as a woman. It’s the training I missed by not being born a woman. All but the one in early 2001 still makes me smile when I think of them. Even the recent one. But, they each have left a hole in my heart. Some bigger than others.

As I keep saying over and over and over again, trans people have to continue to put their hearts out and take a chance. We took the biggest chance ever in changing our sex. Society is usually against us on that. Taking a chance with love is a piece of cake compared to that. Over the years, I have seen so many beautiful hearts, imprisoned behind a wall of pain and fear. I have loved and lost, and I will love and loose again. But, these wonderful trans people will never get that chance to love just once. They won’t give themselves that chance. It saddens me more than the pain I go through loving and losing over and over again.

My pastor told me that I move at a pace faster than most. It frightens people away. It happened once again. He even pointed out the obvious, that I’m Italian and they are an emotional people. I’m only half Italian, but I’m beginning to realize that it’s the emotional half. I do everything in high speed, so I let my emotions out in high speed. I guess I’ll have to wait until I’m eighty before I slow down to the speed of someone in their forties.

In the eleven years I’ve lived as a woman, activism has taken me to the top of Mt. Everest and thrown me to the depths of the Mariana Trench in a heart beat, then back again. The constant successes and failures I have witnessed in the LGBT community across the country have done that to me. The marriages in California surely qualifies as a Mt Everest moment. But, love has also sent me on a similar journey, not always in sync with the highs and lows of the LGBT community.

So, as wonderful same-sex couples take our community to see the world from the top, I write this piece, sitting seven miles below the ocean’s surface, in the darkest reaches of the Mariana Trench. Yes, there is life here, but also coldness. It is the coldness that has gripped my heart. Of course, this is not unfamiliar territory. I guess it’s time to swim back to the surface. I’ll throw a kiss to the Titanic on my way up.

As I start typing this piece, the movie “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” is on Sci-Fi, in preparation for the upcoming new, “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.”  I bring this up because the search for love, that one true love, is as much of a crusade as searching for the Holy Grail, and in some cases, more rare.  I may have found the “Holy Grail” of my life.  I may have found my one true love.

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I say “may,” because there are still too many unknowns and hurdles in this new relationship that we cannot be certain of.  Life is full of twists and turns, ups and downs and any one of them could end our relationship in a heartbeat.  For now, we move forward.

Karen and I met at the Tucson IFGE Conference on a Wednesday when the hotel was providing snacks and finger foods for the attendees that night in the bar.  I saw her walk into with her friends and was instantly drawn to her beauty.  But, I suspected that someone as good looking as her already had a special person in her life.

As the evening progresses, I went to get some food, but when I got to the table, the main dishes were gone and they were bringing out more.  I waited patiently for them to bring out the food and as I did, Karen walked up, so we struck up a conversation.  I found out she lived in Austin, Texas.

Shortly into the conversation, she made an interesting comment that still makes us both laugh today.  She said, “I identify as a lesbian.”  Now, I hadn’t even traveled down that road of conversation, so I found the comment rather perplexing, to say the least.

“So do I.”  I smiled.  “My friends and I plan on going to a lesbian night club at ten.  Would you care to go?”

“I’d love to.”

Thus started a journey on a trip that culminated into one of the most fantastic conferences I have ever experienced.  We spent as much time together at the conference as was possible.  We had dinner together, danced together, stared at the stars in the crystal clear desert night, and we felt the joys of passion together.  It was magical.

But, as we all know, the awe of magic soon fades and reality takes its place.  We both didn’t want the only reality for us to be those three days in Tucson, so we stayed in touch.  One of the ways we communicated was through the modern technology of web cams.  Not only could we talk, but we could see each other.  We laughed, we cried and we played our favorite music for each other.  To see each other in such a fashion helped to maintain the spark we felt at the conference.

It quickly became obvious that we had to get together once again, so the plan was for her to fly to Atlanta for a three-day weekend.  It was to take place six weeks from the time we first met in Tucson.  The wait was excruciating.  We counted down the days.

What would we find on this next weekend?  Would we see that the time we spent in Tucson was nothing more than two ships passing in the night?  Or, could we at least capture what we had six weeks earlier?  Fear filled my heart.  I wanted to see her once again.  I wanted to hold her once again.  I wanted to kiss her once again.

The day came and I picked her up at the airport.  My heart soared when I give her a hug and a kiss, right on the curb of the terminal.  It was only the beginning of what would turn out to be the most amazing weekend in my life.  She felt the same way when it was all over.

What is this new and outstanding feeling I’m experiencing here?  I have had other girlfriends in the past and had a great time with them.  What makes Karen so different?  I have felt love many times in my life, but why is it so intense with Karen?  Am I finally getting the chance to experience what REAL LOVE is?  If so, I don’t want it to stop.

Karen and I connected in ways that the English language still hasn’t created the words to adequately describe how we feel about each other.  We touched each other’s souls so deeply that our hearts beat in harmony.  Just a light touch to the arms or the face redefines the word “sensuality.”  Her kiss sends shivers down my spine and through my whole body.  All of our senses intensify with every movement our bodies touch.  Songs are written about finding heaven on earth.  I now know that it is possible.

I truly love Karen and I cannot stop saying that.  But, reality keeps us from enjoying a full life together.  Both of us have good jobs and many responsibilities in the cities where we live.  Our roots run deep in the Georgia red clay and the brown soil of the Texas plains.  We do not see any possible way to snap those roots . . . at least for now.  One never knows what other things can change our fortunes in the future.

For now, we have resigned ourselves to seeing each others whenever we can, based on finances and time off.  Long distance relationships are not known to work out, but I have heard exceptions to that.  We are both hoping that Time will show us the way to a happy life together.  Yet, Time can also show us the futility of our love.  “Love conquers all,” the saying goes.  Will time and distance trump love?  Not if we have anything to say about it.

We will work in fighting to keep our love strong.  In the meantime, Karen and I will see each other on the 4^th of July weekend and on other weekends in the future.  Let’s hope that love can truly conquer all.  I asked in the title if Karen is “The One.”  After all the times I had my heart broken, its time I found The One, and I see Karen as that person.

I love you, Karen.

Dear HRC,

Many things have happened since Southern Comfort, 2007. Transgender people have been taken to extreme heights of hope and depths of despair, all in a very short time. Words flowed back and forth between both sides of the issue, many that were not very pleasant to hear. We said them and they filled pages and pages of blogs and web sites across the WWW. History will judge us all harshly when that time comes. Are we prepared for what will be found? We can only speak for ourselves, individually.

That is why I am writing this letter. I have to speak for myself, as an individual, and not as a so-called leader in the transgender community. I have struggled these past months; with images of disadvantaged trans people I have known flooding my mind. I need to start following the teaching of Jesus, because in His words I find comfort. I need to settle with you, HRC.

I discovered that in order for me to better serve Jesus and do what He has set before me, whatever that may be, I have to forgive those who have hurt me. I have resisted for a long time the need to forgive you, because the hurt is so very deep. I keep seeing Alice Johnston in my mind. Because HRC was not willing to fight for total equality, Alice felt she had no alternative but to take her own life. However, my Pastor reminded me that Alice is with God and she is now without worry. Yes, she is, and I forgive you.

I have carried my anger toward you for a long time and I have acted foolishly because of it. I cannot be expected to do something out of love for the transgender community if I carry around anger toward those who have hurt me. Anger and love cannot occupy the same space at the same time. It is against the laws of physics. It is also hypocritical to my faith.

I know that it will be difficult for some of my friends in the transgender community to understand why I am forgiving you. It is the risk I have to take if I am to be about justice, act mercifully and walk humbly with God. Each person has to settle this with their God in their own way, including any of you on the Board of HRC who saw fit to support removing us from equality. It is not my place to judge.

There will be times in the future where you will once again anger the transgender community. I cannot let those moments detract me from what I am doing and what I can do to help my community. The relevance of your organization has been minimized by the greater good of my community. My God will always guide my heart and my soul on the path of inclusion, no matter what the cost.

I only hope that all of us, the HRC Board included, can be shown a way to do justice that includes all the letters of our community. When you fall short, I will be there to remind you. When you step ahead, I will be there to honor you. I hope you will forgive me for my harsh words and judgment as I have forgiven you for excluding the people of my community from your process. I pray that one day, you too will see that equality is for all and not just for those who pass as “gender normal.”

So, I forgive you and I hope you have a peaceful life.

Monica F. Helms

Marietta, GA

Going back to Arizona has always been one of adventure and pain for me. I lived there most of my life, graduating high school there, I joined the Navy from there, I was married there, my two sons were born there, I was divorced there, I started my life as Monica there, and my father is buried there. All of my family, with the exception of my oldest son lives in Arizona. To say that Arizona holds an important place in my life would be like saying that air is important in my life. I can’t quit Arizona.

Most of the time when I go back to visit family in Arizona, it is near the end of the year, for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. This time, I was able to visit in March and April, when the temperatures were in the 80s and 90s. That’s tank top weather! I love being a girl.

Early in my trip, I got the chance to spend a little time with Serena Freewomyn, a writer for the popular blog, The Bilerico Project. I was always impressed with Serena’s viewpoint and her writing style. The Friday we got together was a fun evening. She brought two of her friends with her and they were a blast.

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The most interesting part of the trip to Arizona started on Wednesday when I arrived at the Double Tree Hotel in Tucson. I actually got to go swimming at the hotel pool. No one could tell I was a pre-op in the suit I wore, and it didn’t even have one of those cute little skirts. (As I said, I love being a girl.) But, that was nothing compared to what Fate had in stored for me later that evening.

At the evening get together, I got to see some of my old friends and I met people who I knew of and communicated with but never met in the past. Marti Abernathey was one of them. We had a little joke going that when we would meet, we would arm wrestle. As she stated in her recent article, she won. Should a woman brag about that? I wonder . . .

The “Fate” moment happened when I was at the food table waiting for them to bring out another tray of finger foods. A beautiful trans woman came up and we started up a conversation. Her name is Karen and she lives in Austin, TX. I’m not going to elaborate on what took place over the next four days, but I will say that we both cried when we had to kiss good-bye that Saturday evening after everything was over. Love is a two-headed coin that can draw out the extremes in emotions at both ends. It did for me that weekend. Atlanta and Austin are about 1000 miles apart, but we will see each other again. After all, she touched my soul in ways only a few have ever done. I really, really love being a girl.

As I mentioned in a previous blog posting, my two sons came to the IFGE Conference to participate in a workshop called, “Children of Transgender Parents.” One may not understand the extreme emotions I felt in this situation. My sons were okay with me being in the room during this workshop, so I took pictures and audio recorded it. I’m glad I did.

During the course of the workshop, both of my sons said things that I found important. I don’t want to take away from what the two women who were also on the panel said. They had very good advice and compelling stories. It is just that I’m focusing on what my sons said.

It is important to note that when my youngest son, Bryan, gave his story, he broke down and cried. As you can guess, so did I. I later realized that all these years, Bryan never had the chance to talk about his pent up feelings during those times and this panel became the first time in over a decade that he got the chance to tell how he felt to someone else. I think it helped both of my sons and me when he did.

Here are some of the things Robert, my oldest said. He’ll be 26 in early June: “Hard to explain what was going on at home at school. You kinda don’t want to talk about it.”

“In the service I couldn’t tell anyone. We now have a good relationship because we have a lot in common. We now have a better relationship than I see other people do.”

“The easiest thing for me was she told me really early in life. The best advice I can give is to tell your kids, let them know how you feel and tell them early on. She never really forced it on us.”

“The one thing I remember I first saw her fully dressed was when she came over to the house because she hadn’t seen us for a long time. I remember thinking, ‘you wear too much makeup’.”

Here are some of the things Bryan said. He will be 24 in early June: “He sat us down on the couch and told us he was leaving. It was really hard. Extremely hard.” (This is where Bryan, then I started crying.) “I told my dad that he was always going to be my dad. I now see her as a person.”

“She doesn’t force anything on me. It was weird at first. Really weird.”

“He’s still my dad and he doesn’t treat me any different other than my dad.”

Bryan was also asked about how he felt this will affect is son in the future and both he and Robert said that it will probably not be such a big deal when Xavier starts school, or when Robert has children and they start school.

As you can see, Robert was rock solid on the pronouns and Bryan went back and forth. I think it is because Bryan and I don’t interact as much as Robert and I do. I have a feeling that is about to change.

One person attending the workshop observed that even though Robert and Bryan grew up seeing the same things with my transition, they both reacted differently and saw things differently. Their individuality has a lot to do with that.

After the panel was over, people came up to all four of the panel members and told them how much their stories helped them. From the very first moment I approached my two sons on being on this workshop, I knew what the potential of help their stories could have. To see that they did indeed help some people that day makes me so proud of them. Robert says he is now planning on getting involved in Southern California, knowing that he could help others.

If you would have asked me five years ago if my two sons would ever talk on a panel at a trans conference, I would have said you were crazy. Now, I encourage other LGBT people who are close to their children to see if they would help in the same way. We have PFLAG showing how our parents and straight friends love us, and now COLAGE to show how much our children love us. It’s an approach that will ultimately help us win our equality.

I cannot ignore the comments that my friend, Cheryl Ann Costa said at her Trinity acceptance speech. Marti Abernathey in her Bilerico Project article covered what Costa said. As Marti stated, we were all surprised at the archaic thoughts Cheryl brought out in her speech. As the MC for that event, I really didn’t know how to follow that up.

However, I do recall having a Star Trek moment when Costa said that the trans men need to put on suits and join the Rotary Club and the trans women should break away from the crossdressers and have their own conference. This is what crossed my mind: “We are Borg. We will assimilate your uniqueness into our collective. Resistance is futile.” In my opinion, “resistance” IS what being transgender is all about. Sorry, Cheryl.

I have to say that this IFGE was the best trans-specific conference I have ever attended. My two sons being there and meeting Karen helped. But, others who have attended many more conferences then I have said the same thing. I want to thank Erin Russ, Michael Woodward and all the people of the Southern Arizona Gender Alliance and Wingspan for helping make this a most memorable conference. As a board member of IFGE, I hope I can convince the rest of the board in making Tucson our “western home” for some of our future conferences. I’m sure it won’t take much of a convincing.