By Monica F. Helms

I set this vacation aside to fly to San Diego so I could attend the wedding of my oldest son, Robert. Just so happened, the weekend had been also set aside by the planners of Southern Comfort for their yearly conference. I would miss seeing all of my friends by not being at SCC, but I would be spending time with friends and family in Southern California. I felt there would probably be disadvantages and advantages to both, and at the end, my feelings turned out correct.

Day One: My vacation actually started a day before I flew out to San Diego, giving me time to get ready for the trip. But, a day that would seem rather dull and mundane turned out to be an interesting one after all. Around 3 PM, I picked up my ex-girlfriend at the airport, because she came into town to attend Southern Comfort.

It felt nice to see Karen again, but the strong love I had for her had changed to a deep friendship. This friendship went far deeper and more diverse then our relationship had ever been. I still have a love for her, but it is the same kind of love I have for the few other people I call my best friends.

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Karen and I had dinner, then we talked for awhile. She got to meet my sweet cat, Aragorn and he took to her rather quickly. Karen also owns a wonderful cat. Afterwards, we went to the Marietta Billiards Club, where we played several games of pool. She won most of them. Damn. After we finished, I drove her back to the hotel where SCC took place and I headed home to finish my packing.

Day Two: I got up early and drove to the Marta station at the mall just down the street from the hotel where Karen stayed. I figured if she needed transportation for any reason, she could use my car. It seemed to have worked out, because she did see a need to use it at one time. The rest of the time, she kept it in the hotel parking garage, which saved me money.

It took me a little longer to get to the airport then I planned, which meant I made it to the gate just as my zone boarded. The flight to San Diego lasted over four hours and I didn’t feel comfortable sitting in those cramped seats on the airplane for that long.

San Diego weather felt so warm that the long-sleeved top I wore made me feel hot. I rented my car and drove down to spend time with my good friend and fellow veteran, Autumn Sandeen. She was kind to put me up for the two days preceding the wedding and I cannot thank her enough for doing so.

That evening, I got to spend time with Brynn Craffey, a trans man who contributes to The Bilerico Project on a regular basis. His writing has always intrigued me, so I figured while in the San Diego area, I would look him up. That evening, we had an amazing conversation on all kinds of subjects, but it’s too bad we live so far apart. I would have loved to talk with him more on a regular basis, because he has done so much in his life.

Day Three: I had lunch with Ben Gomez, the president of the San Diego Chapter of the American Veterans for Equal Rights (AVER) and his partner, Jeffrey Redondo, a member of the San Diego Pride Committee. They told me about the entire goings on with California Prop 8 and other important events in the Southern California area. I smiled when they told me they would be getting married on that Sunday. I hope many people contribute to the defeat of Prop 8, as well as the one in Florida and the Constitution amendment in Arizona.

I spent the afternoon grocery shopping with Autumn at the Navy base commissary, helping her stock up for the next month. Since she recently had gastric by-pass surgery, she has to eat much healthier then she had in the past, meaning a lot of fresh fruit, vegetables and other items. I have to say that she has done rather well, because she looks half the size from when I last saw her. It has helped her overall health since getting the surgery.

Not too long after we came home and put away all of the groceries, the Vice Presidential Debate took place. We sat down with popcorn and watched the train wreck known as Sarah Palin try to derail the Obama-Biden campaign. She had her stupid folksy sayings and winks at the camera that must have made the Religious Right morons all wetting their pants with delight. I got sick watching it. “You betcha.”

Day Four: This Friday turned out to be a special day. After saying my good-byes to Autumn, I headed 30 miles north to Carlsbad, CA, where I got myself a motel room and prepared for the rehearsal dinner that would take place later at Fidel’s Norte, a beautiful Mexican restaurant near the ocean.

That evening, I got to see my two sons, Robert and Bryan, for the first time since April. Along with my sons, there were other family relatives and my ex-wife, Donna. We had a wonderful time at Fidel’s Norte, even though my ex and I had to pay for the dinner. I can see my son was marrying into a great family.

That evening, I drove south to a gay nightclub because someone told me they had “Lady’s Night.” They indeed had many women there, but they all appeared as young or younger then my sons. They did, however, had free pool tables, so I got a chance to play a little.

Day Five: Saturday was the wedding day. I could quickly tell that the stress of the day pressed heavily on Robert, shortly after I had my hair done. He told me the wedding started at 5 PM, so I thought I had plenty of time to rest and get ready. But, at 2 PM, he called me and said I had to be at the hotel by 3:30 for pictures. I had to run around to get ready and did not feel happy with the final results. I made it in time, but had my pictures taken a half hour later.

Here is a link to pictures taken by my sister Julie and her daughter, Katie.

The wedding looked beautiful. Olivia made a gorgeous bride and looked thrilled. I cried, like all the other women in my family and Olivia’s family. My sons have always made me proud and this wedding made me feel even prouder of both of them.

At the reception, I actually felt alone. I had no special love with me to dance with, to smile with, and to share my joy with. However, my son and his bride were happy and that means more to me than anything else. Maybe one day I will find happiness like my two sons have. Maybe. Just maybe. Until that day, I wish them all the luck in the world.

Going back to Arizona has always been one of adventure and pain for me. I lived there most of my life, graduating high school there, I joined the Navy from there, I was married there, my two sons were born there, I was divorced there, I started my life as Monica there, and my father is buried there. All of my family, with the exception of my oldest son lives in Arizona. To say that Arizona holds an important place in my life would be like saying that air is important in my life. I can’t quit Arizona.

Most of the time when I go back to visit family in Arizona, it is near the end of the year, for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. This time, I was able to visit in March and April, when the temperatures were in the 80s and 90s. That’s tank top weather! I love being a girl.

Early in my trip, I got the chance to spend a little time with Serena Freewomyn, a writer for the popular blog, The Bilerico Project. I was always impressed with Serena’s viewpoint and her writing style. The Friday we got together was a fun evening. She brought two of her friends with her and they were a blast.

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The most interesting part of the trip to Arizona started on Wednesday when I arrived at the Double Tree Hotel in Tucson. I actually got to go swimming at the hotel pool. No one could tell I was a pre-op in the suit I wore, and it didn’t even have one of those cute little skirts. (As I said, I love being a girl.) But, that was nothing compared to what Fate had in stored for me later that evening.

At the evening get together, I got to see some of my old friends and I met people who I knew of and communicated with but never met in the past. Marti Abernathey was one of them. We had a little joke going that when we would meet, we would arm wrestle. As she stated in her recent article, she won. Should a woman brag about that? I wonder . . .

The “Fate” moment happened when I was at the food table waiting for them to bring out another tray of finger foods. A beautiful trans woman came up and we started up a conversation. Her name is Karen and she lives in Austin, TX. I’m not going to elaborate on what took place over the next four days, but I will say that we both cried when we had to kiss good-bye that Saturday evening after everything was over. Love is a two-headed coin that can draw out the extremes in emotions at both ends. It did for me that weekend. Atlanta and Austin are about 1000 miles apart, but we will see each other again. After all, she touched my soul in ways only a few have ever done. I really, really love being a girl.

As I mentioned in a previous blog posting, my two sons came to the IFGE Conference to participate in a workshop called, “Children of Transgender Parents.” One may not understand the extreme emotions I felt in this situation. My sons were okay with me being in the room during this workshop, so I took pictures and audio recorded it. I’m glad I did.

During the course of the workshop, both of my sons said things that I found important. I don’t want to take away from what the two women who were also on the panel said. They had very good advice and compelling stories. It is just that I’m focusing on what my sons said.

It is important to note that when my youngest son, Bryan, gave his story, he broke down and cried. As you can guess, so did I. I later realized that all these years, Bryan never had the chance to talk about his pent up feelings during those times and this panel became the first time in over a decade that he got the chance to tell how he felt to someone else. I think it helped both of my sons and me when he did.

Here are some of the things Robert, my oldest said. He’ll be 26 in early June: “Hard to explain what was going on at home at school. You kinda don’t want to talk about it.”

“In the service I couldn’t tell anyone. We now have a good relationship because we have a lot in common. We now have a better relationship than I see other people do.”

“The easiest thing for me was she told me really early in life. The best advice I can give is to tell your kids, let them know how you feel and tell them early on. She never really forced it on us.”

“The one thing I remember I first saw her fully dressed was when she came over to the house because she hadn’t seen us for a long time. I remember thinking, ‘you wear too much makeup’.”

Here are some of the things Bryan said. He will be 24 in early June: “He sat us down on the couch and told us he was leaving. It was really hard. Extremely hard.” (This is where Bryan, then I started crying.) “I told my dad that he was always going to be my dad. I now see her as a person.”

“She doesn’t force anything on me. It was weird at first. Really weird.”

“He’s still my dad and he doesn’t treat me any different other than my dad.”

Bryan was also asked about how he felt this will affect is son in the future and both he and Robert said that it will probably not be such a big deal when Xavier starts school, or when Robert has children and they start school.

As you can see, Robert was rock solid on the pronouns and Bryan went back and forth. I think it is because Bryan and I don’t interact as much as Robert and I do. I have a feeling that is about to change.

One person attending the workshop observed that even though Robert and Bryan grew up seeing the same things with my transition, they both reacted differently and saw things differently. Their individuality has a lot to do with that.

After the panel was over, people came up to all four of the panel members and told them how much their stories helped them. From the very first moment I approached my two sons on being on this workshop, I knew what the potential of help their stories could have. To see that they did indeed help some people that day makes me so proud of them. Robert says he is now planning on getting involved in Southern California, knowing that he could help others.

If you would have asked me five years ago if my two sons would ever talk on a panel at a trans conference, I would have said you were crazy. Now, I encourage other LGBT people who are close to their children to see if they would help in the same way. We have PFLAG showing how our parents and straight friends love us, and now COLAGE to show how much our children love us. It’s an approach that will ultimately help us win our equality.

I cannot ignore the comments that my friend, Cheryl Ann Costa said at her Trinity acceptance speech. Marti Abernathey in her Bilerico Project article covered what Costa said. As Marti stated, we were all surprised at the archaic thoughts Cheryl brought out in her speech. As the MC for that event, I really didn’t know how to follow that up.

However, I do recall having a Star Trek moment when Costa said that the trans men need to put on suits and join the Rotary Club and the trans women should break away from the crossdressers and have their own conference. This is what crossed my mind: “We are Borg. We will assimilate your uniqueness into our collective. Resistance is futile.” In my opinion, “resistance” IS what being transgender is all about. Sorry, Cheryl.

I have to say that this IFGE was the best trans-specific conference I have ever attended. My two sons being there and meeting Karen helped. But, others who have attended many more conferences then I have said the same thing. I want to thank Erin Russ, Michael Woodward and all the people of the Southern Arizona Gender Alliance and Wingspan for helping make this a most memorable conference. As a board member of IFGE, I hope I can convince the rest of the board in making Tucson our “western home” for some of our future conferences. I’m sure it won’t take much of a convincing.

When you first hold a brand new life in your hands, whether you are the father or the mother, your mind races on how they will turn out as adults. You could be holding a future President of the United States, or the next Ted Bundy. You never know what Fate has in store for your child, but you know part of their future is shaped by what you will do, or don’t do in the next 18 years . . . and beyond.

My two sons were born almost exactly 2 years apart and will be 26 and 24 in early June. Robert is the oldest and Bryan is the youngest. Bryan was born on my mother’s birthday and since the age of five he and her would go out to lunch or dinner to celebrate their birthdays together. Bryan never forgets.

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(The Photo, left to right: Olivia [Robert's Fiancée,] Robert, Donna [my ex,] Bryan, Hilda [Bryan's wife, in the back,] Xavier [my grandson,] and me.)

Over the years, my ex and I did the best we could to raise Robert and Bryan, giving them as much freedom to do things so they could learn adult responsibilities. They rode the city bus by themselves to the mall at age ten and had a savings account at age twelve, learning to deposit and withdraw money on their own. At age 16, they worked in stores on commission and did a great job.

We also emphasized the importance of accepting all people, regardless of any differences. This was evident when they brought over friends of all races and colors to play at our house. Today, Bryan is married to a Hispanic woman and Robert is engaged to one. Both my ex and I really adore those two daughter-in-laws of ours.

As we all know, and many have experienced, transitioning for a transsexual can cause a lot of problems for their children. I’m sure that coming out as being a gay, lesbian or bisexual person can also cause problems with any children you may have. The only difference is the child doesn’t see their parent change appearance in a short period of time. When I started living as Monica in June of 1997, Robert and Bryan had many issues with it.

Robert told me he was harassed by friends at school and his response to them was that they were no longer his friends. He went through many other problems in high school, but his female cousin helped him get through those tough times. At age 20, he joined the Marines and since I served in the Navy, it created an instant bond between the two of us. To this day, we are very close.

Bryan appeared to be okay with my transition, not feeling uncomfortable being seen with me in public. I remember one Saturday we were in Home Depot getting supplies for large lizard enclosure he wanted me to help him build. I stood in the long paint line to get a specific color, while he and his friend rushed around the store finding parts we would need.

When Bryan found some hinges for the enclosure, he came up to me and said, “Dad, dad. I think these will work.”

“Sure, Bryan. I think they will, too.” Then, I looked around and other shoppers were staring at me. “Ah, Bryan. Maybe while we are out in public, you can call me ‘Monica’?”

“No Problem.”

Bryan and Robert came through those early years a lot less scathed then others I have heard of. And, in spite of the courage they have shown over the years, they will be stepping it up a notch in a couple of weeks when they attend the International Foundation of Gender Education’s yearly conference in Tucson, April 2nd to the 5th. Not only will they be attending one of the premier transgender conferences in the country, but they will be giving a workshop with Monica Canfield-Lenfest, a member of Children of Lesbian and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE.) Her father also transitioned as an MtF transsexual. The workshop is titled, “Children of Transgender Parents.”

“How do I feel?” you might ask. “Nervous” is one word that comes to mind. “Amazed” is truly one of my feelings. “Proud?” Absolutely. I told them to tell it like it was and not hold back on anything. Others need to hear what they went through in hopes it could help. Do I risk humiliation having that part of my transition exposed to the world? I don’t see that it will be an issue. The importance of showing others in our community that some children make it through okay and that they need to watch out for the pitfalls far out weighs any issues I could face from Robert and Bryan being there.

I love my two sons and they love me. What more could I ask for? I get to be with them at the IFGE conference and introduce them to my friends. I see that as a dream come true. I’ll write another piece after the conference on how it all turned out.