Life in Front of the Eight Ball
December 22nd, 2008By Monica F. Helms
It has been exactly eleven and a half years since I started living this life as Monica and during that time, so many things have happened that I feel like I have lived three lifetimes. Friends came into my life and others have left, and some them even came back. I lost friends by the hands of others and some by their own hands. I have been praised by some for the work I have done and hated by others for exactly the same work. I have seen the best and the worst from my gay, lesbian and bisexual brothers and sisters, and truly seen the best and the worst of human nature in the transgender community, some of it happening the very day I type this.
(Break)
For years, I have been vilified by a tiny minority of individuals in the transgender community. It’s because I’m not homophobic or transphobic and I don’t follow their strict, narrow-minded guidelines of what they think a transsexual or a woman should be. They should follow their hearts and do what they think is best for them, but I had yet to see the same consideration from them. With their hearts filled with such bitterness and hate, I pray that God will one day show them the light.
In spite of the minor inconvenience these transgender women have given me, my life has been good. I have been working for the same company for the last 19 years and they treat me like a woman and have me listed as female in their system. The State of Georgia has me listed as female, as do my insurance companies. I have dated several lesbians over the years and they all saw me and treated me as another woman. I have been accepted in women’s spaces for over a decade in all aspects in my life and in many cases, they knew I was a transsexual. When I became a delegate for the Democratic National Convention in 2004, I was considered as a female by the DNC. It has never really been a problem in my life as it has for others. I’ve been blessed that way.
Being considered a woman in Western society has little to do with what is under your clothes and more to do with the feminine attitude you take through life. If you just are, then others can feel it. You must control life instead of letting life control you. For some, it is believing in a higher power and for others, it is believing in themselves. I believe in both. I don’t need to worry how others see me, because they do not change my life.
Sadly, some put stringent rules on how to be a woman or what you have to do to “qualify.” They spend valuable time defining and analyzing life and not living it. This is a meaningless existence. It is said we have only one life to live, but transsexuals get two. It’s a shame that some people couldn’t make the best of both of them while here.
One of the newest places I have been accepted as a woman is in a women’s pool player’s league. The American Poolplayers Association (APA) has many leagues across the country and in Georgia, but most of them are co-ed, except for this one. I cannot remember a time when I have had so much fun in a social setting on a regular basis. Most of what I have been involved with had been serious LGBT events or political events. Playing pool is just plain fun. Out of about 40 women who play on this league, only two of us identify as lesbian. The rest are all straight and I know they all know about my transsexual history.
These women are so good at pool that I have had to ratchet up my playing skills to a higher level and even doing that, I have only maintained a 50% win record. This group has had a humbling affect on me . . . when it comes to pool. (Grin) But, they have also given my heart a warm feeling whenever I’m with them. We laugh, we talk about pool, we talk about our children and we talk about life in general. None of them has ever asked me about being a transsexual, because it is a non-issue. To them, I am just another woman who can be their next challenger in a pool match. In a game, the only focus is the next shot and not that I may have started life as a boy.
Life has so much beauty that to close your eyes means you will miss it. It behooves people to spend less time criticizing others for not doing what THEY think they should do and turn their attention to what they need to do to make their lives happier. As much as some may think, my life and how I live it has zero affect on theirs. If people think my life affect theirs, then they have given me more power then I deserve, or want. All I really want to do is to make it to the next shot.
“Eight ball in the side pocket.”
December 22nd, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Don’t let that vicious “tiny majority” get you down. You’re better than them.
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Nice piece. because you’re at peace, we can read and feel the steady and solid approach to life that makes you special. I always thought you were capable of running the table. I guess you’re saving that for ‘09.
December 22nd, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Quite right. Life is not about what flavor of T you are, it is about who you are as a human being, and about having a good life. Nobody gets everything in life they want, but Mick Jagger’s first theory of life still applies: you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. May more folks in our community find what they need in the next year, as you have.
What I really want to know is this: can you beat Angela Brightfeather in 9-ball, yet?
December 22nd, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Don’t always agree with you, girl, but then I don’t always agree with my wife either. That said, you have spirit and drive Monica and the world is yours for the taking.
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:27 pm
OK Polar, now you’ve done it. We both know how much Monica wants to beat me in pool. What she did not mention is that I, me, moi, was the person who insisted that she join a league in the first place. I’ve been playing APA league play for years and have insisted that in order for Monica to play me in 9 or 8 Ball, she must join a league so that she will get better, and be able to givwe me some competition.
Don’t get me wrong now. Monica has very good skills on the table, but she has yet to beat me after trying about 25 times now (I’m really not keeping score on that).
So she is coming to the IFGE Conventon in February and stopping at my house where we will shift her “stuff” to my Tahoe and head for DC the next day. She has already warned me that when she gets here, she is challenging me on my table (Series 3, Brunswick, 9′ X 4 1/2′ regulation table). The thing is, that Monica’s league plays on 7′ tables, so I’m not sure that she can see to the end of my regulation table. LOL But we shall see and I am sure that if she wins even one game, this blog will explode the news like a Chinese New Years celebration.
Actually, when Monica wanted to join a league after my coaxing and prodding, I called a few people at the APA and asked them their official rules concerning league competitions and gender status. Officially, I received a ruling from them that any gender diverse person can compete all the way to the Women’s U.S. Open and the Women’s National Ameteur Championships so long as they can prove they are in the process of transition and have a diagnosis of GID. That makes me wonder if Zucker plays pool? However, I am sure that the fact that Monica is prohably playing her games in league with a low cut tank top, helps to hold down some of the questions also. LOL
But seriously, I know that many of us T girls probably had what might be referred to as an itinerant youth growing up, that was supplemented by many hours on the table of “felt and challenge.” I also know that it is not expensive to join a league, become a member of the APA and play every week and the social benefits as Monica explained are immersearable as to the great girlfriends one meets during the course of playing in a league. Which leads to celebration dinners and holiday parties, wedding showers and many other activities that we didn’t get to enjoy that much growing into our Trans selves.
It also helps to know that one night out of the week, every week, at the same time, you are going out and having a good time with your friends.
And Polar, I am sure that if Monica manages to win even one game during her visit, you will feel the rumble coming from North Carolina and a loud “whoop and huzah” echoing across the Smokies and through the valleys and finding it’s way Tennessee.
December 23rd, 2008 at 4:24 am
I very much love hearing up beat stories about we transgender. There is a pervasive undertone in our community of doom, every day we hear of pain and suffering. This story is a breath of fresh air, I think I’ll reread it.
December 23rd, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Monica,
No truer words have been spoken. Beautiful! Wendi R
Ps. Maybe I can show my engish [brooklynese] to Angela and you at IGFE. Hugs LOL
April 7th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Hello !!
My name is Piter Kokoniz. Just want to tell, that your blog is really cool
And want to ask you: will you continue to post in this blog in future?
Sorry for my bad english:)
Thank you!
Piter Kokoniz, from Latvia
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Hi hun, have just kinda stumbled onto here. I’m a UK pool player, not straight pool or 8 ball as you play it but a similar sport on a much smaller table. Hope I know what game you play but never been to the states, tho have played a few games of pool on your big tables. I am interested as I have asked our regulating body, the EPA (English Pool Association) is I am able to qualify to play at county level which leads onto selection to the national side should I be good enough. I am confident of being able to qualify in terms of ability for the county circuit and if that is my level then that’s fine. I am happy that you have been accepted on the circuit as a woman, most the girls I know who play accept me fully as female even though I am still transitioning. I hope that two TS girls, different sides of the Atlantic can prove that pool is a game without prejudice. The biggest debate is probably whether being born male gives me a natural advantage but in my eyes pool is a game of skill, not strength so I hope for a favourable decision.
Keep up the blog hun, good on you and all the best for the future
Rachel Moore, Cornwall, UK