Trans Universe

By Monica F. Helms

 

I’m sure blog readers have heard the phrase “Friends with Benefits” quite often, since they consist of some rather sophisticated people out there.  Whenever people hear “FWB,” it conjures up all kinds of lustful images in their minds, mostly about noncommittal sex with a good friend.  This phrase came in existence in about the late 80’s, early 90’s by the younger crowd, but it has worked its way to all generations.

 

This subject has come up on occasions with some of my friends and ex-girlfriends, discussing it at lengths, which made me feel the need to write about my feeling on this.  The Internet has plenty of pages on FWB, so I’m not breaking into new territory.  Of course, most of what you find on the Internet has been geared toward straight people, but the idea has become common in the LGBT community as well.

 

(Break)

 

Casual sex should not be entered into casually, especially with a friend.  The implications can end a friendship if the possibility of casual sex has not been discussed in detail beforehand.  Rules and boundaries need to be set in the beginning before the sheets are pulled back.  Yes, rules for FWB do exist.  Here’s what I have found on one web site.

 

1.)    Be clear about what you want. To make your friends with benefits experience a good one, know what you expect from the relationship. Take the time to really think about it. There is no one-size-fits-all formula. Having a basic understanding of your needs and being able to articulate those needs could help you save lot of drama in the end.

2.)    Choose your partner wisely. This is by far the trickiest and most important step. Being friends with benefits requires a delicate balance. Your partner should be someone who you enjoy spending time with and someone looking for the same things as you in a friends with benefits relationship.

3.)    Set the rules. Every friends with benefits relationship needs a clear set of boundaries. Sit down with your partner and decide what those rules will be. Make sure you are both satisfied with the choices.

4.)    Stick to the rules. It is easy to get sidetracked. Maybe you spend the night once or twice. Maybe you start to spend more time together than you should. Just remember that the rules should only be broken if you decide to change the nature of your relationship.

5.)    Get out before it gets too heavy. Friends with benefits relationships have a short shelf life. They tend to morph into something deeper for one or both partners. If your casual relationship starts to change, end it unless you are happy with the changes.

 

Interesting enough, it appears that the “Friends with Benefits” term seems to be associated with sex only.  I’m sure that the people who first started using it intended that to be the case, but why go that far?  Since two people set the rules and the boundaries of intimate encounters, then could FWB be something as simple as just holding hands?  Could you cuddle and kiss, but nothing beyond that?  I’m sure I’m not the only person who sees FWB as having very flexible boundaries.

 

One of my ex-girlfriends introduced me to a wonderful book called “The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities,” by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt.  Not only do they talk about friends with benefits in detail, but many other aspects of love, sex and relationships, casual or otherwise.  They even go into polyamory, bisexuality and transsexuality with some detail.  The book opened my eyes to the possibilities that FWB was not such a difficult concept to embrace, though the book had many other areas that didn’t appeal to me personally.

 

In some ways, FWB seems to be far more difficult and far more structured then a relationship can be.  Rules get laid out, boundaries need to be set, times to get together are discussed, and who to tell and who not to tell needs to be explored.  Maybe new relationships could benefit the same way by utilizing a bit more structure and a lot less haphazardness.  In my opinion, in a FWB situation, both people have to be far more in line with each other’s thoughts then a regular relationship has to be.  I see that relationships are flexible, but FWB is not.

 

Not everyone will be comfortable with FWB, even if they have no one currently in their lives.  People’s upbringing has a great deal of affect on whether they can embrace FWB or not.  Bad past experiences, family situations and physical embarrassment can be a factor.  Some trans people experience body dysphoria about having incorrect parts, so they shun many relationship possibilities.  An FWB situation could work for them, because a friend would be more understanding then someone new.  But, broaching the subject with their friend will be very tricky.

 

Past relationships can also be very tricky if one brings up the idea of FWB.  If the two of you had been intimate in the past, had a relationship and have broken up, but remained friends, one or both of you may not be inclined to even attempt intimacy with that other person once again.  The fear of falling in love and all the baggage that came with it in the first place weighs heavily on their minds.

 

This is where the different levels of FWB can be explored.  The fact that two people remained friends after a breakup shows that there had to have been some part of their relationship that neither one wanted to lose.  Why be afraid to explore how far that can go without tipping the scale to a full-blown relationship?  They may find that they liked everything about the relationship, except for the C-word, “commitment.”  Remove the burden of commitment and you may have a good time with each other once again.

 

But, human emotions are not always that simple.  Our minds get flooded with all of the “what-ifs,” and that can be very frightening.  I suggest they explore the little things, such as cuddling and kissing, and leave sex out of it, at least at first.  Easier said than done, which makes it more imperative to set ground rules ahead of time.

 

Friends with Benefits will forever remain in the American language for years to come.  It will be something for some people to try and something many others will not.  For those brave souls who wish to venture into this volatile territory, they need to be well prepared for the trip, like going to the Moon, but much more dangerous.  Make sure you pack all of your protective gear, and have fun.