The Four Transitions of a Transsexual
October 2nd, 2009By Monica F. Helms
There has been a lot of talk lately about transsexuals and the procedure known as “transitioning.” However, it seems that the only segment of a person’s transition which many want to focus on deals with just one part of this intense process, the physical transition.
The physical transition only encompasses the “technical” aspect of a transsexual’s life, where changes are made to the body to finally become the person they should have been born as. Some call their transsexualism a “birth defect,” while others consider it a blessing. But, no matter how one views it, making the physical changes are very important, but it does not mean they have completed their total transition.
Since much has been written about the physical transition, I’m going to focus on the other three, which in some ways could be more important. They are the “emotional transition,” the “psychological transition” and the “spiritual transition.”
(Break)
The psychological and emotional transitions are so intertwined that I will talk about them together. These two transitions can be a life-long process, based on all of the factors in a person’s life and their personality, affected by all that preceded their physical transition. Their family history, job history, relationship history, social history, and even their military history can affect the psychological and emotional transitions that a transsexual goes through.
Some transsexuals experience fear, anger, paranoia, jealousy, selfishness, narcissism, depression, violence and even self-destructive tendencies. Drug use, alcohol abuse and unsafe sex happen often in the lives of some transsexuals. Some feel sad, some feel lonely and others think the whole world is out to get them.
One reading this might think that transsexuals can be a truly screwed up bunch of people. That would be far from the truth. Transsexuals can also be happy, content, giving, up beat, helpful, loving, generous, considerate, kind and caring. Our course, like the complexity of the human race, transsexuals usually have a mixture of what I mentioned in the previous paragraph and in this paragraph.
Many trans people came from loving homes, have a spouse and children who love them, even after the physical transition ended. Many become active in the local community, the community at large, political organizations, their places of worship, their schools and their jobs. And yet, too many experienced sexual, physical, emotional, mental and even religious abuse as young children. Like non-trans people who have also had those experiences, the scars follow them through life.
Hey! Transsexuals can have all the same personality traits, psychological issues and emotions problems as found in the rest of the human population. A person’s gender issues can, in some cases, enhance some of the problems mentioned above, or have no affect at all. All of human nature has to go through various degrees of psychological and emotional transition to make it through life. Transsexuals are no different in many respects.
When people try to put highly complex humans in neat little boxes, they fail miserably. Even if a person places themselves in a box, their psychological and emotional transitions may cause them to have to expand that box, or move to a completely new one. “Change” remains the only constant in people’s lives.
A life in stagnation leads to issues that will usually enhance the negative aspect of a person’s psyche and emotions. Moving forward – transitioning – allows growth in many areas. Transsexuals pride themselves in how well they make things happen in their physical transition. Some even brag about it or belittle others for the slowness of their transition, or the lack thereof. Sadly, many fail to put the same effort into their psychological and emotional transitions as they do in their physical one. Have they really transitioned at all? Does their anger really make their transitions more fulfilling? I wonder.
I saved the fourth one for last. One also needs to make a spiritual transition to truly complete the journey they started as a young child. This usually becomes a very complicated transition, one that can be as diverse as human beings themselves. A spiritual transition may involve an established religion, maybe a form of internal spirituality, or something as simple as being one with oneself or a higher power. Spiritually comes from within and does not need to ever be expressed to anyone else. However, some feel more spiritual in comfortable surroundings with others.
I have a good friend who identifies as an atheist, yet through the strife she has experienced in her life, she has become more spiritual without the need to believe in an omnipotent being. She says “Love” is her higher power. I have to say that because of that specific higher power in her life, I have seen her transition in a spiritual way that has made a big difference in her life. Others may not need such an intense spiritual transition, but this change worked for my friend. Her spiritual transition has opened my eyes at all of the possibilities that exist.
Through all of these four transitions, where do I place myself? As far as the physical transition, it’s been not so satisfying at best. I have no difficulty passing, and have been accepted in women’s spaces very easily for the last decade, but I am selective on where I will go and under what circumstances. I haven’t stopped this transition, by no means, but Fate has stopped it for me. It can’t stop me forever. A majority of transsexuals understand my dilemma and frustration, but others don’t. Their opinion is not MY problem, but theirs.
However, when it comes to my psychological, emotional and spiritual transitions, I am in a far better place than I have been in my entire life. Many people helped me transition in those areas, and they continue to help today. Even though I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and have come a long way, I’m willing to admit I will never be totally done with any of those transitions. No one ever finishes those three. Only death stops the process . . . except maybe . . . the spiritual transition.
For any transsexual who says they are done with their (physical) transition, they forget that life has much more in store for them. Like all other human beings, we never stop “transitioning,” because that’s Life.
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I believe many, but not all in “transition” do not include spirituality in their transition. But, many people in general are not spiritual – trans or no trans.
For me, spirituality has always been an important part of my life and my blog is focusing on how my spiritual views intertwine with my transition. Even if I “complete” my physical transition, my spiritual transition will continue until I shed this body – and perhaps even to my next form.
Thank you for looking at other aspects of transition.
Zoë
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Nice job Monica . . .
It occurs to me that LIFE is a continuous transition for EVERYONE. Nobody that I know reaches a particular plane or place in life where they become stagnant and permanently placed. One would need to be brain dead to be there I think.
When I began the final struggle in admitting I was trans and passing through the stages of the physical transition, I was then a transsexual who was transitioning. However, years passed and I BECAME me. By this, I mean that I did not become the woman that others thought I should be, but I became the PERSON I was meant to be.
Having once been very active within transgender advocacy and working closely with other transsexuals, fate had it that I would become a caregiver for a dear female friend. Eight years later, I seldom have contact with others who are trans and seldom think about transgenders and transsexuals. When I receive emails such as yours, it sometimes surprises me that I remember I am a transsexual. In my mind, I just don’t think about such things. I consider myself female and just let it go at that.
I continue to transition, but I transition as ME. My friends and church are important parts of my life . . . as you are, Monica.
Keep it up,
Roz
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I completed SRS over 1 year ago. Little did I know that the hardest and most challenging part of my transition was to begin when I returned to the states. Relationships, spirituality, emotions were all affected by what I did. I am so glad that I completed SRS. It was the best decision that I ever made for myself. However, my continued transition and growth has been far more rewarding personally than any physical changes that I have experienced. The “I am in the right place” feelings are priceless. The things that I experience internally are so totally awesome. I am glad that people see that physical change is only a small component of the entire transition and growth experience.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:20 pm
I agree, the surgery was minor compared to the rest. I had my surgery over 5 years ago and when I came home was my starting point of totally transitioning. After about a year, I realized that you never stop. Oh, you may be done with your physical transition but all the rest has just begun. I have found the last three to be the most rewarding and hardest. Gayle said that some don’t have a spiritual place but I have to disagree. Just because you don’t believe in a higher being doesn’t mean you can’t be spiritual. I do believe in a higher being but nothing else, Agnostic. I, too, believe there is no end in sight but this is true for all people. We grow and when we stop growing, we die. It’s just that being Trans we can see some growth in who we are. I feel like I have come full circle now. I do feel like I was before I started to physically transition except that I’m more happy now and I accept ME now. I feel complete but I felt that when I woke up in the hospital but it was a physical completeness now it is emotional, psychological and spiritual completeness. I have more growing as a woman and more learning but it is all part of life. I’m happy for the chance to be able to do what I have done. My only regret is that I should have done it years before.
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Ahhhhh. This is so interesting and the first thing that comes to my mind is…..if everyone agrees that with the exception of spirituality, which may or may not depend on the belief of the individual that there is some omnipent being or some spiritual goal to achieve, can those who cannot or will not achieve that phase, if they consider themselves as Transsexual, afe they lessTranssexual by missing the spirituality part of it?
And if people cannot achieve the physical part of it, but they can achieve the other three parts of it, can they be considered as Transsexual?
Lastly, if a person achieves all four stages of Transsexuality, are they more Transsexual than someone who achieves only three stages?
I agree with all four stages you note. But I fear that this also contributes to the stratification of our community into classifications that people use to discredit others who may not want to or are unable to achieve all four stages.
So, is this a good thing or a bad thing for gender diverse people to aspire to?
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Actually, on a local discussion list, the other day, someone referred to her pending surgery as her transition. It may have been a brainfart like we all have from time to time, but it was interesting.
I think the RLT in invaluable in this regard. Regret stories are rare, but regret stories from people who didn’t rush are far rarer still. I’m not a believer in any “one true way,” but do think it’s a sign of “arrival” when surgery becomes more a symbolic kind of closure than salvation.
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Monica, I have watched you change over the last 10 years as you have gained the real life socialization that comes with living as a woman.
When people first transition, especially from male to female hey always know every thing and people who have lived it 20-30-40 years are just being cruel when they point out how little the newly transitioned person actually knows.
Then everyone thinks that SRS is the “final” step and many are surprised when they find it is just another stage completed and now another 10 years or so of becoming awaits them.
Then when you are ten years post SRS and you think you have finally got there… I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in spiritual so I’m looking for another way to put this.
Calpernia Addams wrote a piece about transition being a life long thing. I cross posted it with a link back and it upset many people about how transition is a life long thing.
Maybe in a way.. After all this is what Simone de Beauvior hints at in her writing about women from an existential point of view. The becoming.
I know that I grew up, transitioned, had SRS and was an attractive young woman facing the life issues of a young woman.
Now I am becoming an old woman facing the uncertainties that come with age and still I am becoming even though the becoming female is long past now I am in middle age and growing gray with parts that never ached before.
It isn’t transition in the transsexual or transgender sense yet I am going from being a woman viewed by the world in a certain way to becoming a woman viewed by the world in a different way.
Feminism taught me to pride myself on the life time accumulation of wisdom and yet so much of the world sends me the message that old women are past being women and are now only silly old ladies.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:03 pm
It’s been an oft repeated mantra of mine that we don’t just transition our bodies; we transition our whole lives. Try to make that life a good one. I usually use this mantra to try to slow down people who rush through transition with their gaze fixed on SRS like a deer in the headlights. It is very, very difficult to get across to many people before SRS that it’s not going to automatically make their life absolutely wonderful, and is not the definition of transition. It’s also difficult to convince some people of it after SRS. You’re right that there are transsexuals who wear their SRS like a badge of honor, further fueling the misconception in the eyes of those who have not yet had it. My personal sense is that they wear such pride in having had SRS simply because they need something to make themselves feel superior to others. In that, they do a disservice to those earlier in the journey than themselves by perpetuating a myth for their own devices.
There are plenty of other perspectives of transition besides the ones you’ve mentioned, albeit perhaps a bit less sweeping in their scope. Things like social transition, professional transition, financial transition, educational transition, fashion transition, etc. Legal transition is a big area of consideration in of itself, and while a bit more cut and dry in nature, can be daunting. I believe that transition should from the beginning have a long-term plan encompassing as much of life as possible.
When I encounter a young person starting their journey, the advice I am always quick to give them is to get an education first. They can transition socially and psychologically, but they should earn a marketable skill before overly concerning themselves with physical transition. An education is the most valuable thing a transsexual can own. Better educated people are more accepting of transpeople, and it is wise to surround yourself with them, and the best way to do that is by becoming one of them. It is better to form a longer term plan, gain an education, get a better paying job, and pay for a better quality physical transition than to sacrifice everything rushing for the illusory prize of SRS. I’ve had some success convincing people of the value of this approach, but I also know someone who spent her college loan money on SRS. This to me is a tragic compromise.
Thanks Monica for writing this.
October 3rd, 2009 at 5:15 am
I have seen comments on many posts over the years, but the ones here are some of the most beautiful and insightful I have read in a very long time. Suzan, you made me cry. You are wonderful people, all of you.
October 3rd, 2009 at 7:09 am
i believe in the beginning, transition was all about the physical changes, and feeling comfortable in my own body. like for many, the male characteristics of my body caused me great distress and discomfort. facial and body hair were torture. eliminating those was a major relief. my body slowly feminized, and i became more and more comfortable. finally, when i woke up the morning aftyer my GRS, i had only one thought. God has finally answered my prayers. perhaps that was my “spiritual’ moment. God had not abandoned me after all.
Prior to my transition, my “male” life had been filled with despair and self destruction. Of course, I had moments of triumph and elation, and even love – but i always felt that I was living a lie, and could never truly be open or honest. In that respect, i was seperated from all humanity. i was truly alone. Today, I can recognize that “aloneness” in so many. those who experience it don’t have to be transgender or experience a gender dysphoria. They are only lost, looking for a life where they can experience some comfort and dignity. Some honesty. They need to remove their masks and become the person that God intended them to be….open and honest, responsible and caring.
There is no winning lottery ticket. Those born in the correct gender often just take it for granted. Like those born into wealth, they cannot fully appreciate the advantages. beautiful young men and women can become anorexic, addicted to drugs, and self mutilation, and even suicide. On the flip side, it is natural to appreciate the things you earn, and experience self worth from accomplishment. I am not talking about money in the bank, or an accumulation of wealth. You might as well be playing “mafia wars”. accomplishment is reaching out to others, opening your heart, and doing what you can to make this world a little less lonely, a little more comfortable for everyone. Breaking down the barriers, and being yourself. I cannot but help to think that the world would be a better place if society would follow our lead and enter into a spiritual “transition”.
October 4th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Just a quick note that, in coming to terms with spirituality as an atheist, I found this article very helpful: http://www.naturalism.org/spiritua1.htm